Red One Review – Bronto-head Dwayne Johnson Weighs Down Santa Kidnap Comedy
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In this deeply depressing, boring, sentimental Christmas comedy for early November, Dwayne Johnson plays Santa Claus' bodyguard who is supposed to rescue Santa Claus from kidnappers and save Christmas.
With a perpetual smile, Chris Evans plays a mischievous professional thief named Jack O'Malley. His cynical lifestyle was instilled in him as a child when he was threatened with being added to the naughty list because he dared to question the existence of Santa Claus. Now he is separated from his child's mother and ignores his son.
Without even knowing what he is doing, Jack is scouted by some shady criminals to steal the top-secret coordinates of a reindeer-pulled plane and kidnap its pilot. This is the Santa Claus himself, played by J.K. Simmons, a muscular Santa Claus dedicated to push-ups and fitness training. This is perhaps due to the influence of Calum Drift, the head of security, played by Johnson with brontosaurus-like stubbornness, who in real life is suffering a crisis of faith in their mission and is on the verge of quitting.
Callum and Jack work together to save the day. Callum's icy disapproval of Jack thaws as he realizes what a great guy he really is, and his own calling returns. Lucy Liu stars alongside Zoe Harlow as Santa's Chief of Staff, and Kiernan Shipka (who also played Don Draper's angelic daughter Sally in the TV series Mad Men) does her best as Greela, the wicked witch of Christmas.
But wait. What exactly is this crisis of faith Callum is talking about? Apparently, the number of naughty kids has increased by more than 20%. Wow. An alarming statistic. Humanity is getting worse and worse. The answer is… what? Should the "blacklist" rule be applied more strictly? In fact, it's strangely unclear what exactly the rules of the naughty list are, even though it's the focus of a grand, circuitous storyline in the second act. Do naughty kids get fewer presents? Surely they get no presents at all?
In reality, of course, there are no rules on the naughty list, and no one in this Christmas world feels seriously harassed or disappointed; its slapping and doting undermines every attempted gag (including a reference to Will Smith slapping Chris Rock). Even the prologue implies that Jack's grieving uncle refutes his Christmas theism. Of course, all we're left with is a deadly serious emphasis on the paramount importance of buying gifts at the store.
There's nothing wrong with watching a heartwarming movie at Christmas, but this commercial, formulaic content is a toy that will be forgotten once Boxing Day is over and we're in mid-November. The film can be seen on the Afdah Films website.
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